Home Groaning

And....They're Off!

2011-08-29T09:37:00.000-07:00

Summer camps are over, and dusk creeps in earlier each evening. Children are becoming restless with the relaxed pace of summer, and the first hint of Halloween costumes are creeping out of their retail resting places. Even in an evergreen state like California the change of season is palpable.

The waning of summer is a bittersweet time for parents. In spite of the many joys of family togetherness even the most loving parent can be excused for looking forward to the promise of peace that the school year brings.

Teens try to escape while parent calms them.
Photo: goffvw.com

But, before you can step into that promised land you must brave back to school shopping (BTS.) BTS is an annual late August outbreak carried by adults, but expressed in marked behavioral changes in teenagers.

Teen looks for brain.
Photo: Suburbsanity.com

The most frequent symptom of BTS in teens is eye rolling. You’re most likely to see this behavior emerge when you tell your teen that you will accompany them on their pre-school shopping trip. The condition should generally lessen or even resolve when money is applied. If your teens’ eye rolling deteriorates into facial contortions or mumbling, try to ease their discomfort by fanning them vigorously with your store credit cards.

Homeopathic cures for BTS are available in your own wallet.
Photo: Fortunewatch.com

BTS is highly contagious. Even if you make it to the mall symptom-free, be aware that just being in proximity of an adult while shopping is enough to transmit BTS to your teen at any moment. A common complication of BTS can occur if your teen is spotted at the mall by peers in the “cum parente” position; it can precipitate a crisis that can be alleviated only by jeans costing over one hundred dollars.

Cum Parente teens recover in a support group.
Photo: Therockwallnews.com

Unlike most bugs, BTS can cross species, travelling easily from shoppers to sales associates. With their finely tuned animal instincts, sales associates can sense the weakness of the back to school shopper. Aggressive salespeople will engage in stalking behaviors, cutting you out of the pack by introducing themselves, starting rooms for you and then providing the right sizes for the most inappropriate and most expensive items. Your only hope for escape is to hover around the sales racks until they spot more likely prey.

BTS parent seeks refuge in remote area.
Photo: Luux.com

Once teens contract BTS their recovery is doubtful, at least for the duration of the mall trip. The best course of action is to treat yourself. Starbucks, the cookie counter and the pedi parlor are all proven therapeutic treatments for adult BTS. And hold on to the fact that BTS is a seasonal disease, which should wane along with the final days of summer.

Temporary relief from BTS is available.
Photo: Lifewithwendy.com

Bloopage

2011-08-05T08:56:00.000-07:00

I have been unable to exercise recently, and as a result have gained almost five pounds. Now, five pounds doesn’t sound like an awful lot, unless it’s THE five pounds that create new bloopage.

Weighing one leg at a time can help.
Photo: Since1910.com

Oh come on. You know what I mean by bloopage. It’s the stuff that bloops over your belt, or other constrained areas on your body. The first bloopage experience can be traumatic. Mine came early in life. When I married, it was in a dropped waist, see-through bodice that required me to wear thigh high stockings. “Oh gahd!” I screamed in the tranquil boutique where I was trying on the stockings for the first time. “My thighs! They look like nuclear mushrooms!” After my girlfriend finished snorting white wine out of her nostrils, she packed me up in the car and drove me to the gym.

This calls for extreme measures.
Photo: Kitchik.com

Over the years I have found that the gym can be a distressing experience if you don’t have the right attitude. I strongly suggest hiring a personal trainer if you can swing it. It’s not that you really need a personal trainer to make it through a robust workout. But let’s face it, the right trainer can distract you from noticing all of the beautiful, hard-bodies that are working out around you. Who cares if they are running faster, lifting more weight or clearly more coordinated? You have “Hans” massaging that pesky cramp out of your calves.

What workout?
Photo: Goldsgymma.com

Hans not in the budget? Consider a sport, like swimming. Then people can lift you with one arm! That’s right, one arm! Imagine how much weight you would have to lose in the gym for that to happen!

This would never happen at the gym.
Photo: Greenwebsitedesign.co.uk

If exercise seems inconvenient, try optical illusions. You simply buy bigger, ill fitting clothes, and then wait for people to say things like “Oh my, look at the weight you’ve lost...your clothes are hanging on you!” You can also stand next to large objects that create the illusion that you are small, like the Lincoln Memorial or that guy that plays in all the giant movies. Also helpful (giving credit to R.S. here) have all photographs taken from above. Or from a distance. In the fog. At night. Finally, shave off five pounds quickly by only looking at yourself in the mirrors they use at department stores.

Wow! What's your secret?
Photo: freewebs.com

You look tiny!
Photo: dentonrc.com

The truth is, that my bloopage makes me yearn for my mother’s Europe (well, before the Nazi’s anyway) when being “soft” was a sign of a wealthy home with plenty of food and increased your desirability. Big thighs? Big dowry. My darling mother used to call larger people “healthy” and urge food on us the way one might urge on a horse at the Kentucky Derby. Chicken fat was a condiment. Cake was a breakfast choice. Food was love.

Cake as a food group.
Photo: recipebinder.uk.org

I wish for those days when I was fearless and brave with bread and cookies. Unfortunately, wishful thinking is just another strategy that won’t work. See you at the gym.

This works too.
Art: Clevelandseniors.com

There are consequences to ignoring bloopage...
Photo: Movieboy.com

Running away from bloopage.
Photo: Webmd.com

Sliding Along

2011-07-31T13:04:00.000-07:00

Photo: mbc.net

In the 1998 movie Sliding Doors, the life path of the lead character (played by Gwyneth Paltrow) is determined by her success or failure in slipping through the closing doors of a train. In this tiny life moment, sharply different futures are defined for her and those around her. If she makes the train, she arrives home early to find a cheating boyfriend and begin a life alone. If she misses the train, well, she never knows about his infidelity and experiences a very different future.

Now what?
Photo: Pajiba.com

The movie is described as a comedy-drama (just like my life) and makes the point that our futures are sometimes determined not by the big decisions that we agonize over, but those little daily choices we make.

Choice or Darwinism?
Phot: Chowlowgolf.com

I’m not saying that big decisions, like choosing to stand under a tree during a lightening storm won’t have consequences. But direct consequences (glowing in the dark? developing super powers? death?) can be predicted in circumstances like that. How about your decision to wear red lipstick, choose to make a left instead of a right, or stop for a cup of coffee on your way to work? Could those little choices change the course of your life?

How did fate bring them together?
Photo: Starangefunkidz.com

I met my husband because I covered another worker’s bathroom break at a trade show booth. I wasn’t supposed to be at the booth, or even at the show, watching him and his three partners make their way down the center of the busy aisle. The coalescence of my presence in the hall, my co-worker’s bladder, my early morning choice of a bright red blouse and the serendipitous presence of the boys sealed my fate.

Not an actual historic photo.
Photo: iCheezburger.com

It’s not just relationships, of course. We found our house on a spontaneous drive to the beach. Escaping the heavy beach traffic we detoured down a rural road, hoping that it would go somewhere. Turns out it went straight to our new home. We bought it that same day, over twenty years ago. Now I own a tractor. Didn’t see that one coming.

Sigh.
Photo: Icity-data.com

I watched “Sliding Doors” many years ago, and let me tell you, I was paralyzed with inaction after seeing it. It still leaps to my mind sometimes, when I make decisions about which route to take, or where to vacation. Only letting go and embracing the lovely interplay between fate and freedom unfreezes me. Don’t be scared—watch the movie—you’ll appreciate the minor moments of your life in a whole new way.

You might need one of these after this movie.
Photo: Scientificamerican.com

Have any small decisions made big differences in your life?

Walk the Walk

2011-07-07T06:41:00.000-07:00

My daughter swims. Oh, both my daughters swim; they learned to swim as they learned to walk. It’s fun for me, a landlubber who sometimes thrashed her way out to the raft at Farmer Jim’s swimming hole to see the girls glide through the water so effortlessly. It’s not that much fun though, to get up at 5am to drive my younger daughter to summer swim practice on the campus of UC Santa Cruz by 6am.

I am not a morning person.
Art: Sodahead.com

Three times a week this summer that is exactly what I do. And as my young athlete jumps out of the car and rushes to the pool I’m left standing in the foggy hills of Santa Cruz holding a cup of cold coffee and my car keys.

Now what?

I was tickled when another mother agreed to take a walk last week while our kids were swimming. I thought she looked fit, and I exercise fairly often, so I thought we would have a nice brisk walk through the wide paved roads of the university campus, which wind their way across 2000 beautiful acres overlooking the Pacific Ocean.

My idea of a walk.
Photo:www.Glenlake.org

“Oh look, there’s a path,” she cried as we stepped out of the parking lot. I was just formulating my observations about the steepness and narrowness of the route as she stepped onto it, already moving vigorously up what seemed to be an endless series of switchbacks and hills. Soon I was gasping too hard to protest, and saved my strength to pull myself up the trail. How could the laws of physics be suspended, I wondered, so that we walk up, up, up? Where was the down?

Her idea of a walk.
Photo:Tsittours.com

I wasn’t until an hour later that we realized we were lost. Luckily my walking partner was as good with her iPhone as she was at striding uphill. I suggested (begged) that she call a cab with the iPhone, but she pulled up a map instead, and set out again, determined to be at the car by the end of swim practice.

UCSC and environs.
Photo:Aquafornia.com

She did stop once, when a deer stepped out into our path. “How beautiful” she sighed, barely winded. “Maybe it’s an evil deer” I wheezed spitefully. “They can be very mean you know. “ She laughed, but slowed her approach a bit.

Teeming with dangerous animals.
Photo: UCSC

There's one now.
Photo: UCSC

By the time she was done with me I was staggering more than walking. And at the afternoon swim practice that day? I guess I should have gone to the gym down the street. But thinking about my new walking partner and the hills waiting for me in Santa Cruz the next morning, I rested instead, choosing my challenges with care.

Enough to wake you right up.

Nun of your concern

2011-07-05T11:23:00.000-07:00

What's a picture like this doing on a nice Jewish girl's blog? Well, I stumbled upon this 17th Century Nun's Prayer, and thought that people of all faiths (or no faith) might enjoy it. So, instead of writing for you this week, I'm posting the words of this wonderful, and slightly wicked nun.

Painting: Henrietta Browne

Lord.

Thou knowest better than I know myself that I am growing older and will
someday be old.

Keep me from the fatal habit of thinking I must say something on every
subject and every occasion. Release me from craving to straighten out
everybody's affairs. Make me thoughtful but not moody; helpful but not bossy.
With my vast store of wisdom, it seems a pity not to use it all, but thou
knowest Lord that I want a few friends at the end.

Keep my mind free from the recital of endless detail: give me wings to get to
the point. Seal my lips on my aches and pains. They are increasing, and love of
rehearsing them is becoming sweeter as the years go by. I dare not ask for grace
to enjoy the tales of other's pain but help me to endure them with patience. I
dare not ask for improved memory, but for a growing humility and a lessening
cocksureness when my memory seems to clash with the memories of others. Teach me
the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be mistaken.

Keep me reasonably sweet; I do not want to be a saint - some of them are so
hard to live with -- but a sour old person is one of the crowning works of the
devil. Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places and talents
in unexpected people. And give me, O Lord, the grace to tell them so.

Amen.

Oh Brother.

2011-06-22T13:11:00.000-07:00

Today I confided in my brother that I was disappointed in my daughter’s choice of boyfriend. “I’m coming up there, and I’m going to let him know that if he steps out of line I am going to kick his ass” was the immediate reply. Coming from a small, rough steel town my reply wasn’t exactly politically correct... “Don’t you think her father should kick his ass instead?” “No,” he replied with absolute moral certainty. “He’s too close. I should definitely do the ass kicking.”

Perversely, the thought of my brother kicking anyone’s ass made me nostalgic. After my father died, ass kicking became my brother’s modus operandi. I was a rather wild teen who generated plenty of opportunities for my 2-years-older brother to exercise his newfound sense of responsibility. He lurked in the background of my teenage relationships, grading the quality of my choices and taking action when he considered my judgment flawed.

Unfortunately, my judgment seemed to be flawed a lot. My brother was creative in the ways that he scared off my boyfriends. In addition to the classic ass kicking, his techniques ranged from the sideways glance fraught with threat (enough, most times, to do the job) to direct interrogation techniques, to the time he threw a boyfriend over our front porch and into the bushes for attempting a first kiss. Standing on the porch with my brother, watching the now “ex-boyfriend” run off down the street I felt angry, but also completely and utterly safe.

It is truly miraculous that I found a man of whom my brother mostly approved. But I did, and I suppose that I owe a great deal to the, um, “non-verbal guidance” that my brother provided over those teenage years.

My brother’s ass kicking days are likely done. He’s an attorney and a businessman, a gentle father and a sweet and loving husband. But for a moment he reminded me that he will always be my big brother, and will always take care of me and keep me safe.

Dog Gone Good

2011-05-28T16:42:00.000-07:00

I am blessed with two very, very good dogs. I live with an elegant German Short Haired Pointer named Milo and a swayback chunk of Chocolate Labrador named Dina. Sometimes when I am working, I look down at my Labrador, her massive head resting trustingly (stupidly?) on the wheels of my office chair and think “I want another dog.” Then I remember Chester.

Dog from hell.

I should have known better. But on those days that I ate my lunch at the mall, I had to walk right past the pet store. It was an old school pet shop, a breed of retail establishment that I fervently hope will die out. Puppy mill puppies sat dejectedly in small wire kennels, looking hopefully at the people walking in to buy fish food, fashion collars or other pet perks. All of the dogs there claimed a pedigree, and they had the papers to prove it. But their flaws told a deeper truth, and you could see the kind of miserable existence they may have had through their too-close-set eyes, their improperly cropped ears or the wagging stumps of tail, cut too short.

The Springer Spaniel was near the front. You could see him from the mall concourse, and over the weeks I started to look away as he grew larger and larger in the tiny cage, turning and shifting to find a comfortable spot to rest. I knew he must be a puppy mill product, and I resolved not to support that brutal practice by purchasing one of their dogs. But it wouldn’t hurt to let him stretch his legs, would it?

Could you resist?

The next thing I know the pet shop owner and I were chasing the little liver spotted puppy down the aisles. We ran with flailing arms, me in a dress and heels, dodging the pet toys and pooper scoopers that were tumbling off the shelves, swept away by the long handled fishnet in the puppy’s mouth.

Best friend gone bad.

My husband never stood a chance when I opened the car door several hours later and our cute new puppy tumbled out of the car and into his arms. We would name him Chester, we decided. He looked like a Chester. We didn’t know then that he would later be referred to as “Evil Chester,” "Chester the Molester" or sometimes “The #$@% Dog.”

No, not interested in this....

Much better.

Evil Chester has many tails to tell (sorry,) but suffice to say that he was the worst dog ever known. Our handsome friend filched dozens of dinners from the kitchen counter and lifted lunches from contractors with endless creative zeal. He used his warped doggy intelligence to terrorize the vet’s office and developed perplexing health problems that would trouble him (and us) all of our lives together, including the diabetes that blinded him and required twice-daily injections. He was the star at doggy training and hell raiser at home, chewing our child’s prized toys and biting family members whenever they deserved it. He would stare into space with his post traumatic doggy eyes and growl quietly at phantom breeders we would never know.

Still, we cried the day Chester blindly made his way down to the creek and lay down for the last time. And other than accidentally running him over one time (it was only once!) we were comforted by knowing that we treated him with love in spite of his shortcomings. Here are the lessons he left behind:

I hoped this book would help, but Chester ate it.

If you must have a purebred dog learn from our mistake and don’t go to a pet store. Pick your breed and your breeder carefully. Check this web site for loads of valuable information about working with a breeder: www.buyingapuppy.com

Be careful of shady or disreputable breeders.

Please, please consider a shelter or rescue dog. The best dogs we have ever had (notably, not Chester) have been shelter dogs. Here is a great site to walk you through choosing the right dog from your local shelter: www.clickandtreat.com/pickadog.htm

Shelter dogs can be shy or uncomfortable at first.

But they tend to relax after awhile.

Not every dog is a good dog, but you must be a good friend to every dog you live with. So think hard, and put your head in front of your heart. Otherwise, you never know, you might end up with a Chester and lots of stories that won’t be funny until many, many years from now.

Chester tortured, I mean followed us everywhere, even after blindness.

They could have done without a dog entirely.

But I can't...

My Fear Factor

2011-04-26T21:39:00.000-07:00

I just hate spiders. And that’s really too bad, since I live in the middle of the woods and a lot of spiders live here too. People always try to persuade me otherwise, but I know that spiders hate me right back. I am the person they choose to dangle above in bed, and it is my car that always has a spider on the door handle. If I summon the courage to smoosh a spider I am the person at whom the spider will make its last brave, desperate lunge before expiring.

My neighbor.
Photo: Livescience.com

It turns out that spiders are widely feared (though some of us show it more than others.) Livescience.com suggests that arachnophobia, our fear of spiders, is innate and may develop in the womb. Gallup confirms that many of us carry this fear through life. Our fear of spiders ranks 5^th in a 2001 poll of people’s phobias; a little less frightening than being enclosed in a small space but a little scarier than needles and shots. (“Most feared” on the poll are snakes, public speaking and heights.)

We would choose this over spiders and public speaking.
Photo: Residencialorandino.com

I have a long history of ridiculous behavior when it comes to spiders. For example, a friend and I once abandoned her ‘68 Camaro on a rural road because of a spider dangling from the visor. On a ski trip, a friend and I emptied an entire can of her hairspray (yes, hairspray—it was the 80s after all) into a sink bowl to kill an unsuspecting but ultimately well groomed spider. So it should not surprise anyone that last week, when I saw not a mere spider, but it’s bigger badder cousin--a four-inch scorpion-- in our garage storage closet I did not react calmly. I looked down towards my bare feet to see what was moving and suddenly the toilet paper I was there to get seemed utterly unimportant. This creature was nothing like the tiny scorpions we sometimes encountered on our trips to Mexico. It was fat and angry, its tail curling up in the classic “I’m going to f#&# you up” position.

Could probably survive hairspray.
Photo: Dimackey.com

Four inches is large for a scorpion, but they can be as long as eight inches, big enough to eat small mice and snakes. Luckily, four inches was considerably smaller than the sole of my husband’s muddy work boot, which I mentally noted as I brought it down repeatedly upon said scorpion while screaming like a banshee. (I might have let it go but I really needed that toilet paper.) Good thing I was accurate—according to EHow “a scorpion can easily grab on to a shoelace, sock or pant leg and hitch a ride to gain access to...your ankle or leg.” It makes spiders suddenly seem to be nothing more than innocuous inconveniences.

The source of my trauma.
Photo: Thefrisky.com

Scorpions are endemic to California, so knowing a little about them might be useful:

Very few scorpion stings are dangerous to adult humans, except in the cases of allergic reaction, or when the human runs screaming into traffic.

Ice can lessen the pain of a scorpion sting, but watch the victim for difficulty breathing or swelling that does not subside over time. Difficulty breathing after fleeing does not count.

Children who are stung should always see a doctor as a precautionary measure.

The best scorpion reduction strategy is to keep your grass short, and clear loose stones, bricks, logs and trash away from your foundation before it becomes an insect convention center.

Weather stripping or otherwise sealing the house will help to keep scorpions outside.

Scorpions live here.
Photo: Fineartamerica.com

Scorpions come from the sky too (OK, I was really shook.) Prune back trees that overhang you home.

Place firewood that you bring in directly on the fire, not in that cool log carrier you bought from Eddie Bauer.

Scorpions are largely nocturnal. Get your toilet paper out of the storage closet during the daytime.

Don’t keep scorpions as pets. Get a pet that will not try to sting and eat you.

Move. (Unfortunately, Antarctica which is the only continent without scorpions.)

No scorpions, but penguins can be pesky here.
Photo: Coolantarctica.com

Both chemical and natural pesticides are available if your scorpion problems are not solved through the above measures. Of course it is worth noting some people welcome scorpions, and eat them after removing their poisonous tails. I’m going to go ahead and skim over that, but if you are a person that does not like to waste you can find recipes on the web.

Skimming over.
Photo: Wikipedia.org

I thought I might never go into that closet again. But then I read a story in Huffington Post this week detailing how a Tampa-area woman found a 7-foot alligator in her bathroom, and I though I might get over it after all.

Scarier than the scorpion.
Photo: MSNBC.com

Getting ready to enter the storage closet.
Photo: Geekologie.com

Where all the toilet paper went.
Photo: Freerepublic.com

All the rage.

2011-04-15T23:13:00.000-07:00

Everybody has family stories; maybe fishing at the lake or funny vacation trips. I smiled at our last family gathering as my daughter joined in to tell a Halloween story...until she got to the part about the devil horns, bright lights and police. It seems that the story most central to my daughter’s memory of Halloween is the time we got cut off on the freeway after trick-or-treating, and then pulled over by a police officer who saw me flash my brights at the offending vehicle. As the policeman walked towards the car, my then 8 year old reached forward and pulled off my largish devil horns. “Just be nice, Mommy.”

This was not a Halloween costume.
Photo:

I confess that I have had problems with road rage (or at least road irritability.) It brings me no comfort to know that I am not the only one. In a Scientific American study (March 2009) 90% of drivers reported experiencing, being victims or witnessing road rage. It turns out that we Americans are extremely territorial--we guard our personal space diligently-- including the space around our vehicles. According to Clinical Psychologist Leonard Holmes we regularly and purposely annoy people by taking more time to vacate a parking space if someone is waiting for it, and drive more slowly in the fast lane if someone is trying to push us out. We take it as a personal affront when a driver cuts us off, mouths angry words at us, honks or flashes bright lights. Sadly, sometimes we hurt or even kill the strangers who anger us. Just Google a phrase like “killed in road rage incident.” I just did and Google returned almost 2 million results.

Rethink passing on the shoulder.
Photo: Steigerlaw.typepad.com

According to AAA “road rage will be responsible for 25,000 injuries and 370 deaths this year.” That doesn’t include all the close calls and rattled nerves that don’t get reported! This next fact won’t calm anybody down: Harvard’s Dr. Matthew Miller took a sample, and estimated that 11 percent of drivers “always or sometimes” carry a loaded gun in their car. More than one out of every ten people driving along with you have a gun! With bullets!

You never know who's armed...
Photo: Drdriving.org

Any regular, easygoing person can turn into a maniac on the road, but there are distinct personality types that are more likely to engage in road rage. (Some psychologists believe that it is a recognizable mental disorder.) Since we can’t stop to assess the mental health of each of our fellow travelers, here are some warning signs and defensive behaviors to keep in mind:

Watch for bumper stickers. An article in The Journal of Applied Social Psychology (June 2008) predicts that lots of bumper stickers and decals on a car are the single largest predictor of potential rage -- 16 percent more likely to be involved in a rage incident than a vehicle without opinions.

Yup. This bumper sticker could be a clue.
Photo: Cafepress.com

Don’t take it personally! Aggressive or erratic actions by other drivers are not about you. Most erratic drivers are not targeting any other driver in particular when they drive aggressively. They might be bad drivers, late for their mahjong group or tending to a crying toddler in a poopy diaper smearing stuff on the window.

Your driving behaviors may be misinterpreted. Do not help crazy, angry drivers escalate the situation. Leave space, change lanes or even leave the freeway and drive to a safe place if the situation warrants. Even if you’re not sure what you did to anger the other driver, this may not be a good time to find out. Remember some of them have guns and no impulse control.

She doesn't want to chat. Drive on.
Photo: Ideas&thoughts.org

Leave enough time to get there. Other drivers have no way of knowing that Joey is waiting for you at the orthodontist.

Don’t drive when you are extremely tired or upset. These states leave you more vulnerable to emotional upset.

Do a self-check. Edmunds suggests that you tape-record yourself while driving. If you are swearing, mumbling or ranting then you are in danger of raging.

No tape recorder necessary.
Photo: Thevoiceofonegirl.com

Put it in perspective. Of all the road rage you have felt over the years how many specific incidents do you remember? That’s right you can’t remember. Because it is not important.

Use your head. Being a patient driver does not make you a wimp, or a person others will take advantage of. It makes you smart.

Too relaxed.
Photo: Safetyxchange.org

Relax. Use your time getting to know your kids better, enjoying music (talk radio might get you mad) or taking deep, relaxing breathes.

If all of the above fail you, remember that your child will tell what you did at a family gathering some day.

What will she remember?
Photo: Pricelessparenting.com

I did listen to my daughter that day. I was nice. The police officer was nice back. He looked down at the devil horns in my hand and the red tail curling up the seat besides me, checked out my two candy-addled kids in the back seat, decided that I had enough problems and let me drive calmly and safely home. I listened to my daughter at the family gathering too. And decided that I don’t want her memories, or role models to be about rage.

Retired.
Photo: Costumes4you.com

Easily Puzzled

2011-04-07T17:57:00.000-07:00

I am easily puzzled.

People who wear these are confused enough.
Photo: 123rf.com

I wonder why sock sizes are different than shoe sizes. If you are a shoe size 4-10 why do you have to buy socks that are size 9-11? It seems that every package of socks 9-11 also carries the legend “fits shoe sizes 4-10,” so why can’t they just use the shoe size to begin with? I think the people who created sock sizes must be the same people who made up women’s underwear sizes.

Do not disturb.
Photo: comicbookmovie.com

I speculate on why the law states that “no one may annoy a lizard in a city park in Fresno.” I am curious as to why anyone would want to annoy lizards (or how, exactly, lizards become annoyed,) creating the need for this law. More understandable to me is the Eureka law: “Persons may not sleep on a road.” Although I wonder why anyone would nap in the road, I am quite sure that not napping in the road is a pretty good idea.

Surprisingly easy to find pictures of people sleeping on a road.
Photo: sydney.concreteplayground.com.au

I do not understand why obvious warning labels are necessary, even in our litigious society. Do we really need to know that we should “not take (Zantac) if allergic to Zantac?” How would we know we were allergic to Zantac unless we had already taken the Zantac? Doesn’t that make the warning label obsolete? Would people really try to stop a Swedish Chainsaw with their “hands or genitals?” The shortcomings in people who need labels like this seem more a systemic problem, possibly originating from flaws in an individual’s early education or upbringing, or perhaps prolific glue huffing, and one which cannot be solved with mere warning labels.

Warning: your dog should skip his evening cocktail when using this med.
Photo: mazamail.com

Warning: You should skip YOUR evening cocktail if you think this is a good idea.
Photo: mazamail.com

I also wonder about photographs. Why do some people look better than they do in real life, and why do some people look worse? Don’t say bone structure. Some people just don’t look anything like themselves in pictures. It’s almost like photos reveal another hidden identity or perhaps some underlying alien presence. Sometimes, two different photos of the same person don’t look remotely similar. How can anyone know what they really look like? Especially since mirrors seem to be a lot like photos. That’s why I look so good at Macy’s and so bad at home.

There's hope.
Photo: degree360.com

I am not a good gift giver-- I agonize over my choices-- and so I really do marvel at creative gifters. But I am still at a loss to understand who would need or want a 3100 Swarovski crystal bejeweled Coffee Maker ($4,000) or a bejeweled toilet ($75,000.) Actually, the toilet seems like a good buy, but I am unsure about how comfortable it would be.

Photo: kaboodle.com

Why do things that hurt for months go away the day before your doctor’s appointment? And why does that sound your car makes refuse to repeat at the auto repair shop?

I have a metallic taste in my mouth.
Photo: emergiblog.com

Do you have answers for me? If not, how about sharing puzzles of your own? At least then I’ll know I’m not alone.

OK, I might want to rethink stupid warning labels after all.
Photo: mazamail.com

Changing your mind

2011-04-04T22:31:00.000-07:00

OK, I admit it. I have been putting off writing this for weeks. But since I told you last time how you can get a tattoo with an electric toothbrush and a guitar string it would be irresponsible to leave out how you can get rid it after becoming sober.

If tattoos are, as we discussed, personal bumper stickers, then removing them is akin to scraping those old McCain bumper stickers off of your car...a long slow process that corrects an embarrassing lapse in judgment.

Tattoos are now a mainstream standard. Nearly one of every 5 Americans display their thoughts, memories, dreams and relationships on their body. But as we age, “Hooters” may not be our happy place anymore, we may change our religious or political affiliation (even Reagan changed political parties!) or we may stop dating “Natalie.”

According to estimates from the American Dermatological Association and Inc.com, 50-70% of tattooed individuals undergo at least one tattoo removal. That probably explains the 575% growth in the laser removal business in the past decade.

There are several tattoo removal methods, but laser removal is the most popular, with 3-10 sessions required, depending on the colors, size, age and depth of the art. Sessions will cost you $150-$500 per treatment, and will take approximately 15-30 minutes every 4-6 weeks. Lasers work by striking the ink in your dermis with energy that fragments the dye, allowing the immune system to remove it. Different types of lasers are required to address various colors in your tattoo, so make sure that the dermatologist you go to has relevant experience and the right equipment.

Thinking ahead when you get your tattoo can save you a lot of trouble in the removal process. Though many tattoo artists have strong feelings about making their art permanent there is a new ink material called Infinitink that responds more easily to laser removal, and will often require a single laser session. Think of it as a prenup...you know you love it at the moment, but one cannot predict the twists and turns of life. Consider angering your tattoo artist by asking for this semi-permanent ink. If his ego is bigger than your insecurity, find another artist.

Here are some other things to mull over before, during and after your tattoo.

When you choose a tattoo, make sure that it will age with you. Your devotion to crude or pornographic jokes, a particular lover, zombies, fairies or David Hasselhoff may change over time.

Think about how partners and potential employees might react to a visible tattoo when deciding upon placement. Not every employer wants to put a ghoul in front of their client.

If you do remove your tattoo, research your options thoroughly. Sandpaper, lime juice, pigeon poop and a plethora of mystery creams are discussed on the internet. Consider and then reject all of the above.

Talk to your dermatologist about the type of lasers they use, and how they will deal with multi-colored tattoos, if needed.

Lasers are getting better, but DO expect some pain and possibly some light scarring.

What to do if you don’t get a perfectly smooth result when you scrape off the old bumper sticker? Well, do many of us do as our political loyalties fade and our interests change. Cover it up with a new bumper sticker and move on.

Living in Public

2011-03-17T21:07:00.000-07:00

What’s your favorite bumper sticker? Mine is “TV is Gooder than Books.” I love to laugh at bumper stickers, but more often than not people want to make serious political statements or announce their affiliations. I wonder why they do this. Has anyone ever changed their position or gotten religion after reading a bumper sticker?

Tattoos are like bumper stickers. Some people even wear them on their body’s “bumper.” And like bumper stickers, I’m not sure I understand the need to pronounce your ideas to the world at large. But this is the live-in-public generation.

What are you trying to say?
Photo: 43things.com

Tattoos used to be for sailors, bikers, convicts and maybe shamans. Now they are for everyone. In fact, estimates put tattoos on 17% of Americans. Why the surge in tattoo popularity? I’m pretty sure that one out of every five people are not shamans or sailors. Whyfiles.org tells me that most people get tattoos to express something unique about themselves. Tattoos change you into the couture version of human—there’s only one of you. Even if one of every five people has a tattoo, they don’t have your tattoo (unless you picked your tattoo out of that big book the last time you were drunk in Cabo.) The trend is towards custom design...preferably an image that is meaningful or marks an event or life passage, like dating a girl named Marilyn, or finding a deer jaw.

The message is "I love my creepy looking baby."
Photo: bodypainting.blogspot.com

Tattooing, when not excessive, is perfectly healthy and sometimes even interesting. Frederick-Recascino recently performed the very first study that found tattoos are not associated with personality disorders. (Previous studies showed a significant number of psychopathic and criminal behaviors associated with tattooed individuals.) I suspect that this study is more than an aberrant finding. It’s likely that tattooing is simply becoming more popular among mainstream people of every type. Of course the irony is that the more people get tattoos to express their uniqueness, the more ordinary tattoos become.

It’s easy to get a tattoo. It’s harder to get a good tattoo. Consider that a tattoo is a series of tiny puncture wounds that are injected with ink. In order to be permanent, the ink has to be injected about 1/8^th inch into your dermis, the second layer of skin. If the tattoo is too shallow it will look uneven and ragged, but if it is too deep it will be quite painful and bloody. If you get an inexperienced artist or the wrong design you will be wearing your mistake for a long time.

Never doze off while getting a tattoo.
Photo: 5magazine.wordpress.com

If you still must have a tattoo, then go forth and get inked. But before you let an ex- con or your art school roommate have at your “bumper” with an electric toothbrush and a guitar string, consider that a dirty tattoo can transmit HIV, Hepatitis B and C. In fact, the Journal of Medicine (March 2000) found tattoos were the most common way of contracting Hepatitis C, and most blood banks make you wait a year after tattooing before giving blood. It’s important to make sure the tattoo parlor is safe and clean. Here’s what to look for:

I said Tinky Winky, not LaaLaa!
Photo: best-tattoo.gnug.us

Tattoo artists should be licensed practitioners. They should be happy to provide references. Real live tattooed people, not just pictures.

An autoclave, the device used to sterilize needles and equipment, should be present in the shop. A match, a bottle of rubbing alcohol or Dawn dishwashing detergent does not count.

If the artist is using single-use needles for his outline, you should listen for the rip of a newly opened package.

New ink vials should be used for each customer.

The tattoo artist should wash his hands, and the area that is to be tattooed. He should wear gloves.

Finished tattoos should be cleaned and bandaged. Avoid the urge to display your new ink for 24 hours while your skin heals.

Even if you go to Mr. Clean himself, your tattoo can get infected. If it is oozing, red or swollen for an extended time see your doctor. You may be allergic.

There are ways to make a bad tattoo less noticeable.
Photo: rogetatoodesign.blogspot.com

If you get tired of your “bumper” sticker, break up with Marilyn or if your rose tattoo becomes a rose vine tattoo with age than you’ll want to read my next installment: Removing Tattoos. Until then, enjoy living out loud and in public.

Old age homes are a'changin...
Photo: 5magazine.wordpress.com

The end.
Photo: choppertattoo.com

Diagnosing our Doctors

2011-02-28T13:15:00.000-08:00

Television has ruined us. Oh, I don’t mean it has affected our brain, our weight, or our response to violence. That’s all terrible, but there is a worse effect. We expect every law enforcement officer to be The Mentalist, every music teacher to be Will Schuester from Glee, and every doctor to be House. Television has warped our ideas about what it means to be human. It has made us less grateful for the rare brilliance that does exist around us, and impatient when our cops, teachers and doctors turn out to be fallible.

These are my reflections after a recent “well” visit to my own doctor. She’s a rather humorless but bright woman who probably sees about 30 patients each day at a busy practice. In the now common fashion practiced by doctors everywhere she presented my test numbers and then asked me what I wanted to do. Huh? Didn’t I just drop off a co-pay to ask you that?

“So,” I responded, “Really?” (OK, not my most articulate moment.) Don’t get me wrong. I am grateful for being empowered. Most women report that they are not taken seriously at the doctor’s office. Studies show that doctors respond very differently to men and women who visit them with the same symptoms. Men receive more talk and care, while women are dismissed as “imagining” symptoms.* One of the reasons I chose a women as my doctor is because I thought that a fellow woman would give me more respect. But this was too much respect. I needed her to at least take a good guess before involving me. I have no medical training. How would I know if I had a rare disorder that manifested in cravings for chocolate and Big Love reruns?

Help. Me.
Photo: Color-coded.net

Assuming that your current doctor has the potential to get it right, here’s how a little planning can help you and I get the most out of our next visit:

After noon all the good magazines will likely be taken.
Photo: NYTimes.com

Make a morning appointment if possible. Your doctor will be less rushed, less fatigued and your wait might be shorter before patients stack up.

Be organized. Doctor’s are too busy to listen to your rambling complaints because they have lots of other complaints to not listen to before the end of their day.

Don’t be brushed off after some chit chat about your doctor’s most recent vacation. Ask actual medically relevant questions, like:

What do those test numbers mean?

What should my goals be?

How can I best achieve those goals?

What resources does this practice have to help me?

When should I come back?

Take your time. If your doctor suggests expensive tests, an excess of medications or a diagnosis that doesn’t make sense to you take the time to do some research before you acquiesce.

This might be a good time for a second opinion.
Photo: Sodahead.com

If you don’t get good answers you might want to let the doctor know of your dissatisfaction, in a way that will improve your communication in the future. I suggest something along the line of “How can we communicate better next time?” over the always popular “Did you really even go to medical school?”

If you do need to look for another doctor, don’t make the same mistakes. Think about factors like location, hours, testing facilities, hospital affiliations, staff attitude, how doctor’s absences are covered and how the doctor works with specialists. Pony up for an interview appointment if your insurance won’t cover it (do I hear you laughing?) to ask about approaches towards holistic medicine, alternative treatments and whether they warm their speculums. (Men can skip that last one.)

Is he checking your records or is he really watching House for ideas?
Photo: Fotosa.com

Remember that your doctor is human. They may try to conceal this fact under layers of jargon and shiny surfaces, but if you look closely you will see dead people. It is your doctor’s willingness to work with you over time that is important. Of course, you can always forgo the check-up and watch a House marathon instead. He slways seems to get it right.

The only magic in medicine.

* Resources regarding doctor attitudes towards women can be found at Classical & Contemporary Sociological Practices by Scott Appelrouth & Laura Destor Edles, Harvard Guide to Women’s Health, and the Encyclopedia of Gender and Society

Sext Now, Pay Later

2011-02-19T16:51:00.000-08:00

Your teenager cannot help having a cluttered and chaotic brain. According to brain research* at about age 11 or so the brain starts to specialize. It prunes connections that aren’t used (like good manners and neatness) and begins to strengthen remaining pathways (vampire movies and Starbucks.) During this rewiring project, which goes on until about age 18, there is a good bit of construction going on in the prefrontal cortex area of the brain. That’s the area responsible for rational behavior, and forseeing the consequences of one's actions. Unfortunately, the prefrontal cortex is mostly closed for business during this messy undertaking-- live wires sticking out everywhere--and the hard work of making decisions is left to the more primal, emotional part of their brain, like the limbic system.

Actual diagram of teen brain.
Photo: Uphaa.com

OK, clearly I am not a neurologist. I am a parent, and so while I may have fudged the anatomical details a little, the point is that teenagers (much like congressmen and professional athletes) think with their fully functional pleasure center, without worrying about what happens next. And that’s why they sext.

Sexting is the practice of texting sexually explicit pictures using the iPhone you just bought them. It is most prevalent with young teens, and it is generally illegal.

About 80% of American teens age 12-17 own a cell phone. You probably allow it for safety, and for social reasons. But your teen may be much more social than you think. About a third of cell phone-toting teens are sending over 100 text messages each day. Some of those messages may be inappropriate.

A survey by TRU** reveals that nearly two out of every five teens using a cell phone will send and/or post sexually suggestive messages to each other. One in every five teens will send and/or post nude or semi-nude pictures or video.

She lost her phone, but it was found.
Photo: GooGaGe.com

Of course they have excellent reasons (by teen limbic brain standards.) About 75% of teens who have sent or posted sexual content say it is for their boyfriend or girlfriend. They are quite sure when they send it that it is for private use. Perhaps if their prefrontal cortex were in better working order they might foresee that break-up was a possibility, and that the photos might ultimately be used for sport, for revenge or worse. The sad fact is that almost 40% of teens have viewed sexually explicit texts or emails that were meant for someone else.

After the break up
Photo: Singlemindedwoman.com

These sexts (and subsequent posts) can be very embarrassing, but they can also be damaging in more serious ways. In Cincinnati a girl named Jessica Logan killed herself after the humiliation and bullying she was subjected to when her boyfriend forwarded a nude photo to hundreds of teenagers (Cincinnati.com.) Frighteningly, TRU tells us that 15% of nude sexts and posts by teens are actually meant for complete strangers who were known only through their online identities and who could have any number of motives.

DA Risa Vetri Ferman of Montgomery County confirms that teens have been harassed, stalked and blackmailed after sexting photos, and that law enforcement agencies are becoming progressively more involved. It is illegal to take, send or post a picture of a nude underage person, regardless of the age of the person taking the picture. These acts constitute child pornography and your teen can be prosecuted for engaging in the practice.

Hard to text in cuffs.
Photo: Eurweb.com

If your kid stays out of jail, there may be other consequences. Kaplan finds that 10% of colleges routinely check for online posts when making decisions for admissions, scholarships and campus jobs. And electronic transmissions are forever. Career Builder tells us that 22% of hiring managers will check your kid’s posts, and Computerworld found that one third of those who checked for inappropriate content found something that caused them to eliminate the job candidate from consideration.

Um, could I just check my emails real quick?
Photo: Screened.com

Before you try locking your kid in a small closet with a bucket and a slit for food, or taking their cell phones away (equally punitive measures in a teen’s world) know that help is on the horizon. Apple was recently granted a patent that blocks sexting, though it is not yet available. In the meantime, make sure your kids understand:

Anything you text and/or post is in the public domain. Forever. Assume someone you don’t like, or don’t want will eventually view what you send.

You can’t take it back. “Send” takes away all of your options.

Don’t cave to pressure. (About half of girls say their boyfriends pressured them to sext.)

Delete pictures that are sent to you. You can be arrested for having or forwarding them, and you can’t keep them once you are in jail anyway.

Understand the consequences. Loss of self-respect, crazy strangers, public humiliation, blown college admissions or scholarships, job loss or even jail. Yah, you look hot, but is it really worth it?

Maybe you don't look that hot after all.
Photo of Miley: Hipsterrunoff.com

Ultimately, as parents it is helpful to recognize that the messy bundle that is your kid’s frontal lobe is not fully functional at this time. Your kid’s brain is under serious construction, and while you wait for all of the wiring to be connected properly you may need to step in and remind them to glance at the blueprints before they act.

Photo: Guardian.co.uk

* More information on teen brain development can be found in the book Primal Teen by B. Strauch, pbs.org, and scholastic.com.

**The survey was conducted by TRU (tru-insight.com)to a total of 653 teens (ages 13-19) between September 25, 2008 and October 3, 2008.

The Self-Esteem Epidemic

2011-02-09T17:30:00.000-08:00

After ten seasons on the air most of us have seen the American Idol auditions at least once. I’m not really interested in the undiscovered divas who are about to be launched into a life of fame and fortune. I’m much more fascinated with the eager, proud and ever-so-sincere singers who are confused and dazed when their efforts are met with eye rolls and laughter. Why do these people think they can sing?

Narcissist? Ya think?
Photo: NYMag.com

We all know a narcissist. Aunt Millie believes she has a glorious voice though you think she croaks like a frog. Your husband’s friend Bruno surreptitiously looks in the mirror while speaking to you to make sure he is still great looking (in his own eyes.) Or how about cousin Al, who feels that he is chosen for something special, though he’s not quite sure yet what that is (though it’s definitely not a day job.)

Ok, maybe Bruno does look good...
Photo: Viamedic.com

Narcissism at its worst is a mental illness. In fact, the U.S. National Library of Medicine defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder as “a condition in which people have an inflated sense of self-importance and an extreme preoccupation with themselves.” People with this disorder have a tough time seeing themselves as others do, partly because they have been trained to view themselves as deserving of love and praise for no particular reason.

I'll be needing a bigger litter box...
Photo: Seminareventreview.com

I’m not saying Aunt Millie or Bruno are mentally ill. Mild narcissism can be healthy; we call it self-esteem. But with the self-esteem parenting movement in the 1980’s, narcissism has become rampant. Ann Le Suer-Collins writes about the relationship between environmental narcissism and the sense of entitlement in our young people. She estimates that 1 in 10 young adults have already experienced a level of narcissism that qualifies as a personality disorder. Doctors Jean Twenge and Keith Campbell actually consider narcissism in children an epidemic, and write about the fallout of the self-esteem movement in our society. The bottom line is that many of our children have been the victims of too much love from us, their parents.

No, you are a hot dog.
Artwork: Billboardmama.com

I know. Your kids are definitely the most brilliant, most athletic, best looking children with which mankind has ever been graced. But maybe we shouldn’t let the kids know that. Maybe we shouldn’t sing them self-love songs like I am Terrific or Look at Me. Maybe we should think twice before reading books like Bowser’s Learning to Love Me or Adams’ Happy to be Me. Maybe we should stop awarding every little athlete a trophy for just for trying.

Look Ma! I showed up!
Photo: Flickr.com

These songs, books and practices are part of a long list of parenting resources focused on building self-esteem in our kids. Well, typical for boomers: we overachieved. About ten percent of our kids not only believe in themselves, they are in love with themselves. Maybe we should have been reading books like Maureen Stout’s “The feel-good curriculum: The dumbing-down of America's kids in the name of self-esteem.” As a teacher trainer with lot’s of experience with different populations, Stout observes that giving an “A for effort” often leads to less effort and more feelings of entitlement. It’s not too late to learn from the mistakes we parents made in the 80s and 90s. You can raise kids with real, earned, healthy self-esteem by treating them, well, a little less nicely.

Photo: Amapaforkids.com

Parents and educators, it is right and proper to reward children for their achievements. It is a loving act to help children embrace all of their strengths, and yes, weaknesses. But trying isn’t winning, and winning might come only after losing a few times. So instead of teaching our kids that they are glorious just the way they are, and that they are entitled to admiration simply by the act of being, why aren’t we teaching our kids how to try their best, win humbly, lose with grace, try again, persist and continue to improve themselves all of their life?

Here are some ways for you to encourage your kids to feel great not only about who they are but who they can become.

Encourage your children to work. Don’t reward them unless they do the job well. Lowering your standard will lower theirs.

Encourage your children to fail. It’s how we learn.

Encourage your children to give to others. Because really, they aren’t the center of anyone’s universe except yours.

Be honest with your children. Help them know what they do great, and what skills they need to build. It will save them the shock of finding out for themselves.

Be a good example. Tiring but true.

Self-esteem is great. But self-delusion, narcissism and a sense of entitlement lurk just behind it. Respect your kids enough to help them assess their strengths and weaknesses, and build to their goals. The judges and viewing public thank you.

Photo: Funnyfidos.com

Photo: Moti.com

Tied up in Tech

2011-01-30T14:59:00.000-08:00

Hold on, I'm looking it up.
Photo: Flickr.com

I listened with interest to a story featured on the Today show (1/26) claiming that more 9 year olds can use smart phone apps than can tie their own shoes.* Now, aside from a nod to the advent of Velcro this begs a look at the changes in the way children grow and view their world.

Who needs laces anyway?
Photo: thisnext.com

Most of the commentary I found on technology and kids takes a “tsk-tsk” tone, followed by panic driven, pessimistic reports of a future generation of detached, lazy, morally bent, impatient people. But I would like to explore the idea that technology can be a positive force in our children’s social, emotional and educational development, depending (as usual) on you.

Remember when we sledded down the middle of our street, played with sticks, and stayed out all day in the neighborhood? Our parents cautioned us to be careful, not to poke someone’s eye out and not to speak to strangers. When our kids are navigating the cyber world they still need to know that they can be hurt, hurt others and invite unwanted attention from strangers.

Creepy people are not a modern invention.
Photo: dontletthemhurtourchildren.blogspot.com

Maybe just as dangerous to our society as a whole is the fact that our kids will shape much of their social and political worldview on-line. It reminds me of the cave allegory in Plato’s Republic. In the allegory, people are forced to face a blank wall in a cave. Their entire reality is formed by watching the shadows that are being cast on the wall by people behind them passing in front of a fire. It’s not until they are freed to see the world from other perspectives that they understand how limited their view has been. I see computers and other forms of technology as the cave where our children sit and view reality. You, the parent, get to be the person that frees them, and reveals to them that “Grand Theft Auto” is not a documentary, and that there are other perspectives, moral codes, realities and opportunities that exist outside of their technological walls.

Things aren't always what they seem.
Artwork: Spacecollective.org

In schools, the National Association for the Education of Young Children and the Clearinghouse on Elementary and Early Childhood Education remind us not to let our children use technology in an adult-free vacuum. They see an enormous potential for technology in a child’s education as long as it is integrated into the child’s daily learning, with well-trained teachers and alert parents.

It is not productive to try to stop change, or our kid’s place in a changing world. The scariest part is the lag time for parents and educators to figure out that they too need to change. Think about all of the technologies that rose up in your lifetime. The desktop computer stands out, but what about blow dryers, insulated lunch boxes, microwave popcorn, dvds and hundreds of other innovations, large and small that have become a part of our daily lives? It was our generation’s responsibility to learn how to live and interact with these technologies, products and other people in a new environment. Now it is our children’s turn to explore, experiment, judge, and ultimately to determine what their world will look like.

What will they think of next?
Photo:cheapmarts.net

Here’s what you can do to help them:

Teachers

Undergo training and fight to integrate technology into classroom curriculum. MySpace in the computer lab doesn’t count.

Promote cooperative efforts and personal interaction around technology projects. Design curriculum that forces kids to discuss their tech strategies face to face.

Parents

Facilitate personal interaction with other actual live children who are in the same room as each other.

Monitor tech activity for inappropriate content. You get to decide what inappropriate means, but I will give you a clue. It usually occurs online in your kid’s room after you are sleeping.

Continue learning new technologies as they become available so you can figure out what you don’t know.

Kids

Go out and play, wouldja?

Photo: unplggd.com

Kids can’t tie their shoes but they can use technology with a comfort that ensures a very different world in our future. As parents we can help ensure that it is a world where people are connected by technological innovation, but also by human interaction. And probably lots of Velcro. As for their shoelaces, don’t worry. There’s an app for that!

Photo: macworld.com

*As far as I can track down the story is from a report by Megan Gibson on Time.com about an AVG study.

Dressing Miss Daisy

2011-01-25T14:13:00.000-08:00

If you are a man, you may stop reading this, unless you are a clothing designer. If you are a size 10 or below, don’t bother with this week’s blog. Finally, if you have not yet reached a “certain age,” this may be a waste of your time. (If you don’t know what a “certain age” is, then you haven’t reached it.) The rest of you, share my pain.

Shopping, my one-time favorite sport, has recently begun to trigger feelings in me that were previously reserved for trips to the dentist. As I tiptoe into my 50s, it has become hard to find “appropriate” clothing. And by appropriate I mean clothing that is neither a tropical print mumu, nor requires a belly ring as a finishing accessory. Clothing that has not been designed for our mothers or our daughters.

Don't let it happen to you.
Photo: Mumumuesli.com

Isn’t anyone designing for the nearly 55 million female baby boomers aged 50-64? You know, the average American women who, according to the Los Angeles Times, weigh in at about 162 pounds, and are looking for nice clothing in sizes 10-14? These women are scouring stores for clothing, and managed to spend over $19.6 billion last year--with little help from retailers.

Size 14.
Photo: Amuseum.org

Lady boomers are getting mixed messages. The media fixates on their outward appearance, but they are often shut out of better clothing because of their age or size. They are urged to think thin, but Professor Rob Brooks at UNSW found that most men preferred the shape of average women over the emaciated models used to sell clothing. You would never suspect this preference leafing through magazines, watching runway shows or even visiting your local malls. Men, where were you when Miuccia Prada vowed that she would never design clothing larger than a size 10? Why didn't you step forward and tell Prada that you like it when your “baby got some back.” (Of course, “size 10” has less meaning today; according to Sean Poulter at the Daily Mail many chains have increased waist sizes up to 1.6 inches in order to make women feel better about themselves. But more on that another day.) To Prada who specializes in insulting average women, and the stores that specialize in “larger” clothing here is a message: Being larger than a size 10 is not an illness nor does it result in cravings for polyester and elastic.

Nuff said.
Photo: Ancianosolucion.es

It seems that in their frustration women of a certain age have migrated to the internet. Market research firm NPD concludes that 65% of online apparel sales go to women over age 35, with the bulk of sales to women 55 to 64 years old. The offerings in retail stores are so slim that they must settle for clothing that they cannot touch or try on before purchasing. That probably won’t help solve the problem.

While we wait for twenty-something merchandisers to make sophisticated, attractive and appropriate clothing for fifty-something women in sizes 10 and above more available, here is a set of guidelines collected from aging shoppers for aging shoppers:

Probably not this...
Photo: Thegloss.com

If you wore it the first time it was in style, you are not allowed to wear it the second time. Retro is a no-no. Stop drooling over the platform pumps and flaunting your butt crack. You had your chance in the 60s.

Do not wear anything that gathers under the bust. While this style flatters girlish figures, it makes you look like one of those grannies that seek out unethical fertility doctors.

No puffed sleeves. Puffed sleeves are only permitted for adolescents, tweenagers and Swedish milkmaids.

Do not tuck your jeans into your boots unless you are in the army, on safari or mucking out a stall.

Be conservative when it comes to glitter. It can sometimes add a shiny glow to parts best left in the dark.

If your friend tells you it’s “cute” leave it on the rack.

Avoid synthetics. Polyester and hot flashes do not mix well.

But not this either...
Photo: Sodahead.com

In the end, appropriate is what feels comfortable and right. Wrap the wisdom, beauty, clarity and confidence that you’ve gained in clothes that highlight who you have become.

Too comfy?
Photo: Kaboodle.com

Tipping Over

2011-01-17T12:02:00.000-08:00

Wanted:

Hard worker who is willing to take abuse from public and coworkers, move fast, multi-task, lift heavy objects, accept weekend and evening hours. No benefits, and little or no opportunity for advancement.

Really, would you be smiling?
Photo: Sodahead.com

Before you rush out the door to apply for this job, you should know that your hourly pay will not be enough to buy you a latte.

In America it’s perfectly legal to pay our 7.5 million food and beverage workers as little as $2.13 per hour, since tips are expected to bolster their income. Their actual average wage in the U.S. is $4.35 per hour, about half of minimum wage. The only difference between $2.13 and a living wage for some servers might your tips.

She'll probably have to pay for that drink too.
Photo: Phoenixnewtimes.com

According to Keep the Change by Steve Dublanica, we spend $66 billion on tips annually, and table service is just the beginning. We are topping off the tab for everyone from sitters to clippers, from car washers to coat checkers from valets to tattoo artists. A quick Google search demonstrates that thousands of blogs, books and articles have been penned exploring tipping in various scenarios, seasons, times, cultures, and that there are a myriad of other mind-boggling nuances relating to the practice. The resulting comments also reveal how adverse many Americans are to tipping, and how they feel taken advantage of in situations when they have been served poorly, especially in restaurants. Tips have become an expectation and an obligation, even for mediocre or meager service. But to all the people who stiff their server for being surly, I ask how $2.13 per hour might affect your mood or performance?

Photo: Funnypictures.net

While tipping is traditionally related to service the newest revolution in tipping, and one that has happened in my adult lifetime, is the advent of the tip jar. These elaborately drawn and prominently placed vessels are generally found on the last frontier of tipping: counter tops at self-serve establishments. Though the word self-service begs an oxymoron, these jars have become the norm. The rules of tipping are less defined for countertops; I find that I am likely to tip more or less depending on the tip jar sign. Here are some of the tip-inducing tactics I have seen around town:

From the look of this jar, kittens are in trouble.
Photo: Hotdogprofits.com

Tactic: Cajoling

Feeling tipsy?

-or-

Tips are appreciated.

These pleas are the simplest, most common approaches on tip jars. I tend to leave money in these containers, because I read this subtitle: “The reason I need tips is because I have no imagination and cannot get a better job.”

Tactic: Threatening

The more you tip the nicer we are.

Ok. How insecure do you have to be to bend over for that one? Be strong, you don’t need another friend.

Tactic: Promising salvation

All good tippers go to heaven.

I can’t help but wonder if this means that bad tippers go to hell? And what of those few brave (or foolish) souls who deign not to tip at all? Did Dante describe a level of hell with tortures reserved for tightwads?

Tactic: Social commentary

We are trying to raise $700 billion for rich people.

I usually tip big when I see this sign, because I feel sorry for rich people and small tips probably won’t help them much. (Do Republicans think of tipping as socialism? Are they permitted to skip tipping because of their abhorrence to sharing the wealth?)

New RNC fundraising effort?
Photo: superpunch.blogspot.com

Tactic: Comedy

We knead the dough

A bakery and pizzeria favorite--I acknowledge the point and forgive the pun.

Barista kidnapped by Ninja clan. Raising money for Kung Fu lessons.

I would do anything to help get my favorite Barista back.

Tipping. Not just for Cows.

I feed this tip jar because I suspect that the writer is a fellow Midwesterner. Of course I could point out that tipped cows don’t do anything extraordinary either, except perhaps show the same propensity as counter help for sometimes standing around looking vacant.

Some things money can't buy.
Photo: Moneybagsfull.com

Then there's the direct approach...
Photo: Buzzfeed.com

Creative or not, I hope you feed the jars and tip the servers. Especially if you are one of the lucky people protected by law to receive minimum pay wage for your hard work. Really, shouldn't $2.13 per hour at least buy a little tolerance?

Face Off

2011-01-07T21:30:00.000-08:00

If you have ever called a dismal house “a fixer upper,” if you have described a potential blind date as being “mature” when you meant “old” or if you have commented on a baby being “a little doll” when you meant “looks like Chucky” you are ready to use social networking.

Oh, Is it a boy or girl?
Photo: famousmonstersoffilmland.com

I know this may shock you, but you deserve to know. People are not always completely honest on social networking sites. This sometimes leads those of us who are doing the reading to believe that everyone’s life is charmed, except maybe our own.

OK, maybe some people do have more fun...
Photo:ratestogo.com

That’s what Stanford researchers Monin, Dweck, Gross and Jordan say in their December 22nd article in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. They outlined what they think we don’t already know: That social media is a way for us to create a public persona that may or may not be accurate. The researchers studied 460 students at Stanford (not a population known for self-effacement) and found that Facebook was creating negative self-images in students who compared their actual lives to posts describing the lives of others. If these elite students are saddled with self-pity from viewing Facebook pages I shudder to think of how the rest of us might react.

Stanford student after Facebooking?
Photo: theonion.com

Other studies give us some insight into these optimistic self-portrayals on social media sites. Soraya Mehdizadeh of York University found that it is narcissists and people with low self-esteem who use Facebook the most. Evidently, the narcissists think that their own inflated self-image is true. The people with low self-esteem are using Facebook to frame their fantasies. Both groups (and everyone in-between) use Facebook and other sites as a tool for self-promotion. With social media we have the opportunity to market ourselves, our best selves, to others every time we post. That’s what makes even Stanford students feel inferior to us. Why then do we post such idiotic things instead? That brings us to the dark side of social media.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said “It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them” but one of the curses of Facebook is that stupidity endures, is reposted, is read by friends of friends, is viewed by your boss, your landlord, your spouse and strangers.

It’s easy to find stories about stupidity on Facebook . In fact there are Facebook pages devoted to it! There you can read about the consequences of public stupidity, including broken marriages, school suspensions, and lost jobs. These people forgot that Facebook is a social network, not a rant room. But spouses, principals and potential bosses haven’t forgotten. They see some of that nasty stuff.

Some things should remain unseen.
Photo: ifimbored.com

According to Facebook’s own information there are more than 500 million active users on their site, and half of them view their pages on any given day. In fact, they are the most visited web site of 2010, surpassing even Google! But forget these big, abstract numbers. Facebook’s average user has 130 friends. If these 130 people were gathered in an auditorium, would you get up on stage and announce that you hate your job, present a slide show featuring your underage drinking and nude photos and discuss your addiction to prescription pain meds? (Unless you’re from Hollywood in which case your publicist has posted all of this for you.)

Facebook tells us that the average user creates 90 pieces of content each month. Your friends are reading about your life (or fantasy life,) as are their friends and other harmless, but interested strangers. But also scanning the content are criminals, pedophiles, and con artists mining data and looking for opportunities. Even worse than criminals, Facebook now allows advertisers to target you through your interests and information. The Federal Trade Commission urges us to respect these safety and privacy guidelines:

1. Make sure you’re on the right site. OUTeverywhere is not a travel site, and WeeWorld is not a meeting place for urologists.

2. Don’t post anything you wouldn’t want the world to know. This means post only what you do want the world to know.

3. Restrict access to your pages. This should include all photos taken during spring break or that wild night at Surf ‘n Bowl.

4. Don’t post any critical information like your social security, bank or phone numbers. Don’t post mine either.

5. Don’t post info that can help people locate you offline. A post like “I nude sunbath in my yard everyday at 2:00” can’t end well.

6. Don’t announce when you will be away from home. If you must post your vacation plans don’t add “And I leave my key under the mat.”

7. Don’t use a screen name that could be suggestive. “Hotnwet” may not get across that you work in a tea house.

8. Don’t post photos you wouldn’t display in your home. See #3.

9. Don’t assume that strangers are who they say they are. (My dog has a page, but he usually doesn’t write it.)

10 . If you must meet people from online connections make sure that you only meet in public places. Make sure others know where you are, or better yet, go with you. It may not be the person you think you're meeting that you encounter.

Um, my new profile picture...
Photo: luxist.com

Social media can create a public life, or make our lives too public. It can bolster our self-image, or make others doubt theirs. It can connect us to old friends, or expose us to unknown enemies. It can remind you of who you were, who you are and even let you try out who you might like to become. The possibilities are endless. So have fun, but be sane and safe. Because Facebook is forever!

Meating Old Friends

2010-12-23T23:00:00.000-08:00

My childhood friend came out to visit last week, and brought me lots of memories that she's been holding for both of us. I spent a week laughing about childhood shenanigans, I cried when we could finally mourn lost family together and I spent way too much money shopping. Now that she's gone and I am falling back into the rhythms of my own life, I have one lingering regret. That we didn't eat more hamburgers.

How many burgers does it take to satisfy a couple of Ohio girls?
Photo: foodnetwork.co.uk

Oh, I know. Hamburgers are bad for you. But it was good for me, a mother of two mysteriously vegetarian offspring, to order hamburgers with no guilt. Sitting across from my vegetarian daughters and my foodie husband makes it far less enjoyable to order a real thick, juicy hamburger. Preferably with cheese. And grilled onions. It causes my poor children to turn slightly green and look away, as though I am openly picking my nose or wearing the fur of an endangered animal.

I know this affection I have for meat is wrong. The World Watch Institute and the Watch Mom Eat Institute (OK, I made that one up) remind me that livestock emit 16 percent of harmful methane gasses. With meat, the average U.S. diner requires twice as much water per person per day than a vegetarian. A diet high in meat can use two to four times more land--sometimes deforested land--than a vegetarian diet.

It's just not the same.
Photo: wellsphere.com

Then there are the health concerns. Red and processed meats have been associated with an elevated risk with colorectal cancer, cholesterol, and heart disease.

Let’s not even get into the unethical business practices of the large beef producers and distributers.*

I always wanted to be a salad person. One who picks at her food or forgets to eat lunch entirely. But I am a meat person who seldom misses a meal (see profile photo.) Whether it is my upbringing, my palate or sheer stubbornness, I love my burgers.

Are those tomatoes really necessary?
Photo: Nancy'srecipes.com

What makes it worse is that I love food but I’m not a foodie. My lovely husband has taken me to many elegant restaurants and despite my best intentions I end up scanning the menu for the plainest, most savory food available. For me, ordering gourmet delicacies on one of our dates is like golfing at a really nice golf course. It’s a waste of money that leaves me unsatisfied, and a little embarrassed. Just as I prefer our local 9-hole course, I prefer the diner, with its charcoal smells, the sound of grease fans going full blast, the formica floors and the tabletop jukeboxes.

What I eat when I need a break from burgers.

In this age of conscientious eating, meat has become my vice. Forget the heroin, after my kids move out I am sitting down with a side of beef for a three day burger bender. The smell of pot roast and root vegetables will be thick in the air. I will carve the leftover tofu into the shape of a cow and use it as a centerpiece. Meanwhile, I have taken the following measures as outlined by Progress Report.cancer.gov in their Dietary Guidelines for Americans (DGA.) Who knows, maybe they will become permanent:

Eat meat in moderation

According to the DGA we can eat 18 oz. per week. I was surprised at their generosity, until I realize how large most restaurant portions can be. So, it works out to about one steak and one burger per week. Still, it’s do-able.

Order or buy the best cuts available

Ground meat that you buy in the market is usually clearly marked for cut and fat content. Stick to single source cuts (like round or sirloin) and look for the lowest fat content possible. Also, look for origin; cattle raised on grass produce healthier meat.

Prep properly

Try baking or broiling meat rather than frying or grilling it to avoid the use of additional fats or the potential carcinogenic effects of char.

Leave off the fatty side dishes

Sigh.

Photo: laughparty.com

These are good first steps to cutting down on the consumption of meat. As a safeguard, I have my girls and my guilt keep me in line. Oh, I can’t wait for my friend to come back and visit again in the near future. But I guess it would be a good idea to leave those burgers in the past.

What? It could happen!
Photo: alternativeoutfitters.com

*If you want to read further about monopolies in the beef industry, unsafe food processing and other “turn me vegetarian” topics read the excellent book “Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser.

Dress Me Up

2010-12-18T10:54:00.000-08:00

Most of us can remember playing dress-up, pretending to be fairy princesses, cowboys or maybe space creatures. My Mother’s tablecloth, some aluminum foil and maybe a stick had transformative powers, changing us from timid children to intrepid heroes. As adults, I suspect that some of us still look for dignity or daring in our clothing. We hint at who we are through our clothes, and we scan others for clues to their identities as well.

Anything is possible when you're a fairy princess
Photo: Creative-edu.com

In the field of communication studies, this is called the social construction of self and others. To illustrate the concept I used to give my students pictures of people in a variety of outfits and ask them to tell me their stories. Never once, in 8 years of teaching, did a student say to me: “How would I know anything about them?” The pictures seemed to have all of the information necessary for my students to construct detailed stories of the character’s lives, including political and sexual preferences, the type of work they did and even how their apartment was furnished! My daughter and I play this game in rush hour and at the mall sometimes, to pass the time. Where are they going? What will they buy today? It can be fun, but it also acts as a constant reminder that on some level, people are also making constant judgements about us.

What's the story?
Photo:Good-times.webshot.com

Wendy Leeds-Hurwitz delves into clothing as social code in her book Semiotics & Communication: Signs, Codes, Cultures. Really, the book is as tough to read as the title, but Chapter 5’s message (after 3 Advil) is quite clear. You are what you wear.

Unfortunately, understanding how to shape opinion through clothing is not simple. Take bow ties. Leeds-Hurwitz discusses gender, context and age as just some of the determining factors in whether a bow tie means a person is independent-minded or untrustworthy. Every individual piece of clothing you wear sends a message, either in harmony or discord with the other items in your ensemble. Leather jacket? Rugged. Paired with cashmere? Not so much. These observations seem to be common sense, but when it comes to clothing common sense seems to elude even the most determined of fashionistas.

Clothing and accessories can send mixed messages
Photo: FreeRepublic.com

Our lack of common sense has encouraged some companies to codify pretty basic rules for their employees. For example, cab drivers in New York may not wear underwear as outerwear. (Clearly a hardship for cab drivers; dnainfo.com reports a generally negative reaction to the rule change.) Underwear, or the lack of it is featured in any number of dress codes. The "observable lack of undergarments" is forbidden for city workers in Brooksville, FL according to Tampa Bay Online. Brooksville adds that their employees should wear deodorant (really,who would come close?)

Is this what Brooksville was facing?
Photo: Gossiponthis.com

Yes, these are extremes, but changes in clothing through the use of dress code have had pronounced effects for many organizations. Long Beach Unified School District has reduced gang identification with school dress codes and uniforms, dropping violence by over 76%. Callcentrehelper.com reports that British Gas’ uniform policy strengthened ties with the community and improved work attitudes. It is probably these types of results that encouraged the 43-page dress code from UBS Bank this week. And why I read it before my job interview this morning. I didn’t think it could hurt to try it out. So I shaved my legs, wore underwear (under my clothes) and applied deodorant. I buttoned my blazer and left my showy accessories at home. Alas, I did not get the job. Which leads me to the conclusion that you are not, after all, what you wear. Maybe I should have stuck to fairy princess?

My next interview outfit

Doctored Up

2010-12-10T13:44:00.000-08:00

My Jewish mother wanted her two children to be a doctor and a lawyer and was quietly disappointed when she got an advertising account exec and an entrepreneur. She told people we were an accountant and a businessman. My brother did fulfill her dream late in life with a Law degree...sort of an afterthought for him. I went back to school too, but confused her even more when I came out with a Master’s in Communication. “Vat is dat?,” she would ask. “You graduated in talking?!”

I always had the secret desire to go on with my education and become a doctor for her. Maybe not the kind she wanted. But she would be able to tell her friends “Yes, I have two children. One is a Lawyer, and one is a Doctor. Not a real Doctor, but she’s a good girl.”

Mom with husband, future lawyer and future good girl.

I wanted that Ph.D. for me too. I enjoy learning and teaching, and I wanted the skills and the feeling of completion that the degree would provide. But I watched as some very talented colleagues (and some morons) went on to achieve their Doctorates, while I paused (temporarily, I thought) to have my children. Time passed, and now it has been more than a decade since I have been a student.

Imagine my joy when I found out that it isn’t too late to have the distinction of being Dr. Susan Burrowes. I just have to come up with the money.

You get what you pay for. According to cityofsmoke.com I can realize my dream for only $29.95. That’s how much it costs for an honorary Doctor of Divinity degree from Kirby Hensley's renowned Universal Life Church. If I want a more prestigious degree I can pony up $225 towards Trinity Institute of Christian Counseling’s online Christian outreach efforts. But they do require you to partner in their mission, and well, I can’t seem to reconcile becoming an online missionary with the goal of pleasing my Jewish mother. Now don’t make the mistake of thinking that only religious institutions are handing out degrees. Respected secular schools do it too. For example, a Berkeley degree can be yours, with the suggested minimum donation hovering at $3500.

Dr. Bill Gates, h.c.
Photo: Life Magazine

Honorary degrees have been awarded since 1478, when Oxford awarded Lionel Woodville, dean of Exeter and brother-in-law to Edward IV a degree (some say to curry favor with the King.) But not all honorary degrees are bogus. Benjamin Franklin, Albert Einstein, Nelson Mandela and Maya Angelou have all been graced with well-deserved honors. Unfortunately, they keep suspicious company. Honorary degrees have been bestowed upon Robert Mugabe, the ruthless, senile dictator of Zimbabwe (though one of his three honorary degrees have since been stripped) and Cat Stevens, now known as Yusuf Islam, who endorsed the fatma on writer Salman Rushdie, and who refuses to shake woman’s hand. You don’t have to be a ruthless dictator or zealot misogynist to receive the honor. Business luminaries have also received the degree. For example, Bill Gates, the chairman of Microsoft received his honorary degree from Harvard. (Dr. Gates originally dropped out of Harvard after 2 years in the undergraduate program.) Honorary degrees are also frequently awarded to music and film stars like the Bee Gees, Kim Catrell and Orlando Bloom. But the degree that makes me feel good about my own odds is the award to Kermit the Frog. Dr. Kermit received his honorary Doctorate of Amphibious Letters from Southampton College in New York in 1996.

A proud moment for Kermit
Photo: google.com

Next time you hear a radio talk show host, a television personality, a ruthess dictator or frog referred to as Dr. or Professor, look for the telltale letters “h.c.“ This is the small print, Latin for honoris causa "for the sake of the honour" that is supposed to be listed after the person’s name. Other than that there are no guidelines or rules as to who can call themselves doctor.

I’m not sure my mother would have approved. In the end, being a “good girl” was more important to her than being a doctor. So maybe I’ll concentrate on that, and forgo the “honours.” If there are others of you out there who have always wanted to be a doctor, but didn’t have the time (or brains) here is your big chance. All you need is a little money, and a lot of nerve.

Doing it the hard way
Photo: worldmuralproject

www.WiseGeek.com

www.Indiatimes.com
www.guardian.co.uk
history news network

Judith O’Reilly, London Times

www.cityofsmoke.com

www.onlineschools.org

www.themoneytimes.com

knoll.google.com

Cosmopolitan University

The Experiment

2010-12-03T13:29:00.000-08:00

I find myself in the afterglow of an unexpectedly fun vacation when we joined with our family living across the state to share a rented house in the middle. “Fun,” “family,” and “share” all in the same sentence? I think it was “middle” that made it all possible. The right time, place and pace made “middle” a happy destination this Thanksgiving.

Turkey I didn't cook on a table I didn't set
Photo: Wikivisual.com

The time.

It was Thanksgiving, a vacation time sanctioned by the calendar. Getting together around holidays makes sense, not only because they are traditional family times, but because nobody else is working (and getting ahead) while we play. According to a 2009 study by Harris Interactive for Expedia, 34% of Americans don’t use their vacation days even though 1 in 4 working adults have trouble coping with work related stress. We get an average of 13 days per year, but due to guilt and performance pressure we leave as many as 6 of our 13 days untaken! Compare this to France’s average of 38 days, with 2 days untaken (no wonder they have time for love.) Given our hesitation to take the time we’ve earned, the holidays are a great way to force some fun on us.

Rare photo of husband and brother not working.

The place.

Don’t get me wrong. I love having family visit us here at our home. But here, the joy of family comes with the job of “company.” Yes, it is a labor of love, but it is labor nonetheless. It seemed natural at our mid-state rental that everyone pitched in, and that nobody bore responsibility for the comfort and happiness of others. Guess what? Everyone was comfortable and happy anyway!

The pace.

More than a third of us work more than 40 hours a week.* After work we tend to our families, our homes and our hobbies. It is not surprising then, that we lose touch even with those we hold most dear. Vacationing together helps us find each other again. For example, I learned last week that my brother and I are more alike than I knew. It turns out we both believe in an intricate and intrinsically ordered universe AND we both hate to empty the dishwasher. Who knew?

There are practical considerations to a vacation: how much to spend, where to go, when to go, what to do when you get there. But here are some ideas about our family vacations that are more about outlook that pocketbook:

Make your needs known.

For example, I wish I had stated my desire for more hiking. My sister-in-law was surprised when I mentioned it. She would have enjoyed it too. Don’t assume that your ideas are less important than those of others. And don’t expect others to know what you need unless you communicate it.

Make activities optional.

It was fun to split up into different groups at different times. I think more people did more things because less pressure meant more fun.

Be open to spontaneous happenings.

Don’t just point at that funky roadside attraction. Stop! Sometimes it is not the big monuments and but the small moments that make a trip, and our lives. Spend more time with your family and less time with the 42 million holiday drivers on the road.**

About 33% of Americans who vacation feel better about work when they return.* Really? 66% of people do not feel better? Maybe they are taking the wrong type of trip. 100% of our family felt better about the time we spent getting to know each other in a whole different way. The right time, place and pace made “middle” a great destination this Thanksgiving. And maybe next.

*Harris Interactive (2009)

** AAA (2010)

Pet Peeves:November

2010-11-26T23:29:00.000-08:00

I had such a charmed Thanksgiving week that it was hard to come up with things to complain about this month. But then Black Friday dawned, and I was suddenly inspired. This month’s pet peeves are dedicated to the November crowds and parties leading up to the holiday.

It probably won’t surprise you that we start at the mall:

Heading right for me.
Photo: lenedgerly.com

Children who bump you.

My children are not especially well mannered, but it seems that I have at least instilled in them the ability to mutter a nearly recognizable “scuse me” if they crash into other shoppers, strollers or standers-by. Walking through the mall the other day I was assaulted by several apparent orphans hurling through the promenade at a high velocity, leaving only a series of bruises to mark their passage. Can’t get by? Push. Having trouble? Push harder.

And then there are the endless social opportunities:

janeaustensworld.wordpress.com

People in groups who don’t turn to welcome you.

OK. I get it. You don’t know me and you don’t care to. Maybe your social calendar is already full, or you are engaged in negotiating an arms deal and cannot be disrupted. Most likely you never read the particular installment of Miss Manners that instructs us to open our conversational circle and welcome people who approach us at parties.

Hosts who don’t help groups to welcome you.

Ideally, a host should greet his or her guest, and then walk them over to a group of lovely, like-minded attendees where an introduction and a launching point for further conversation is provided. (This group of lovely, like-minded attendees will, of course, open their conversational circle to embrace the newcomer.) “Joe and Margie meet Jane. Jane is also a nuclear physicist working on the transmutation reactions associated with mass-energy release, and I think you may know some of the same people.” But this failproof method of mixing is slowly becoming outmoded, and has been replaced by the somewhat less gracious “Yo, Jane. You made it. Grab a cold one.”

People who sneeze into their hands and then welcome you with a handshake.

Yuck. The only thing grosser is how often this happens, and how oblivious the sneezers are.

People who sneeze on you.

OK, that is grosser.

Shaking hands after someone emerges from the bathroom.

I’m never sure whether to be grateful when their hands are damp. Or not.

Getting ready for company can be stressful too:

Sometimes it's hard to wait
Photo: Superstock.com

People who have huge carts full of food who won’t let you go in front of them in grocery stores when you have one item.

This generally only happens on the days when you are late to pick up your child. It is more likely to happen if it is raining or dark outside and your child has to wait alone. It definitely will happen if you must urgently have the one item you are in line for, and have no option but to wait. You clear your throat gently, and hold the lone item prominently in front of you, but the person ahead of you is from Pluto, or Los Angeles, and does not understand and/or care.

And then there are the events:

People who hold a spot in line. For many other people.

Ah, your family laughed at you when you arrived two hours early for the dance recital/extravaganza. But you found yourself only 7^th in line, and enjoyed the triumph of knowing that you would have a seat in front, in prime photo territory (instead of behind the camcorder and camera wielders recording their children’s debut right in your line of sight.) But your family gets the last laugh when each of the 7 people ahead of you turns out to be holding a spot for 27 of their closest relatives.

People who hold seats. Lots of seats.

Stride past those perfectly acceptable seats towards the back of the theatre, because there seem to be plenty of space up ahead. Turn around when you see that the entire middle of the theater is being “held” with draped raincoats. Too late...the back of the theater is full.

And finally, the everyday disasters (which are not necessarily related to the holidays, but are just as irritating in November as any other time!)

Kids who cross the street without looking.

I know if I hit one of these teens I will be the party in the wrong, the pariah, the irresponsible, rash and reckless driver who hit an innocent child with her car. I have never heard of someone whispering behind their hand “she was just driving along slowly when a callous, self-important teen ran out and forced her to hit him.”

Ow.
Photo:GoodTimes.Webshots.com

Women with umbrellas in crowds.

Careful, you’ll poke someone’s eye out!

Do these little indignities tend to intensify during the holidays, or are we more sensitive during the rising rhythms of the season? As always, the list is open!

Can insecurity be a goal?

2010-11-20T00:40:00.000-08:00

Growing up I went to school in the same district with the same kids for all of my childhood and adolescence. I always thought that I would give that kind of stability and security (and boredom) to my own children, but it turns out that between my two kids they have attended 7 different schools over the past 12 years. So far. Each time they started a new school was a learning experience, and though it has all turned out well it caused quite a bit of anxiety, and guilt too. After all, we want to protect our kids from these traumatic experiences, right?

School 1, Day 1

Now that I’m older, I realize that we have the power to frame the change in our lives as frightening, or as exciting. Both feelings are physiologically similar; they make our hearts race, our palms sweat and our breath quicken. The edge of a higher diving board, the top of a new ski slope and the start of a new relationship all have something in common. They can be scary and uncomfortable or exhilarating and empowering. Putting a positive spin on the feelings that accompany new challenges is a gift we can give our children and ourselves. In fact, I am beginning to wonder if stability and security are overrated.

She probably went to more than one school.
Photo:besidemeallalong.blogspot.com

Consider that when our parents were in the workforce they expected to be with one company for life. Now, according to the Department of Labor, workers between the ages of 18 and 38 will change jobs an average of 10 times. So, it seems that learning to deal with change in a positive way has become a valuable tool for the way we work. As an extension, doesn’t it also help us deal with the unexpected and explore new directions in our personal lives? How many times will we be called on to open ourselves to new circumstances, ideas and behaviors as we age?

It concerns me that as we age we are naturally less open to change. According to Scientific American (December, 2008) we are best suited to change in our twenties. Slowly over the ensuing years our personalities rust, turning us into creaky old people who can’t accept new flavors of Metamucil, never mind new ideas. Some of this increased resistance to change is due to getting to know ourselves and our likes and dislikes, but other resistance is embedded in the human condition, and is well documented in change models. Much of the research in change has been done in organizations, but is well suited to describe our personal lives as well:

Change mode:deltaplus3.com

I especially like this model because it highlights the emotional aspects of change, and our almost certain resistance at every age. It also assumes the eventual integration of new things into our lives. Otherwise we would be like a car going up a steep, icy hill, sliding backwards and then congratulating ourselves for reaching the bottom, going nowhere and not knowing any better. Wouldn’t it be better to accept a new route, or at least put chains on?

To me, change is more than a model; it is a challenge to stay open and to keep learning. Because there is at least a chance that stability can become a stumbling block. Maybe a little insecurity is not a bad thing. Maybe it should be a goal.

Precision Laundry

2010-11-11T09:38:00.000-08:00

Who are you, you women out there who separate loads, hand wash delicates and pre-treat stains? Are you the same people that are composting their garbage and wiping their dog’s feet before he comes inside? I have news for you—you are giving me a serious inferiority complex. Oh, I try not to measure myself against you, but let’s face it. Your white’s ARE whiter, and your colors ARE brighter than mine. And I can’t help but wonder if this will have a dominoes affect on my life. Do brighter clothes help brighten moods? Does cleanliness inspire Godliness? Are my dust bunnies keeping me out of heaven?

When I was young, single and working I sent my dry cleaning out, paid for a cleaner and cooked very little. I prided myself on complete incompetence at home, and a budding talent for take-out. Party? Drop off catering. Savings? None.

I’m not sure exactly how it happened, but as a married woman and mother it suddenly mattered that I sometimes washed my whites with my reds, and that my panties were, therefore, pink. That my floor didn’t sparkle, my dishes were not squeeky and my house definitely did not smell like a pine forest (more like eau de dog.) My children wore mismatched socks, and my husband was frumpled enough to attract other women who believed he was a helpless bachelor.

Last ironed in 1987

As a whole, women are projected to control $1 trillion dollars, or about 60% of the nation’s wealth next year. So, are we all lined up for Ferrari’s and Brazilian blowouts? No, it turns out that we are at Walmart, which ranks highest in brands most important to women.* Because we women are not just spending money. We are spending our family’s money.

The half-trillion dollars that married women are responsible for accounts for about 80% of their household’s expenditures.** That paints a big target on their back for advertisers, who need to promote the kind of insecurities that require oven cleaner and bleach to overcome. Let the brainwashing begin! Advertisers help us agonize over our whites, our mops and our streak-free windows. And they make sure our partners think that agonizing over these things makes us better wives and mothers.

If whiter whites and dust free living are what get you into heaven, then me and my dust bunnies and my pale pink panties are bound for hell where I will, no doubt, spend eternity spraying Febreeze and pre-treating stains as my punishment. Meanwhile, I am stuffing my colors in with my whites and going for a walk.

Partying with friends in my pink panties

Is life better with hand-wash? What is more important--the state of our home or the state of our mind? Do you think people judge us by our housekeeping skills? Are advertisers right? Should we care?

*www.packagedfacts.com

** Joan Cleaver, Entreprenuer Magazine 2/2004 “What Women Want”

Washed up at 13?

2010-11-05T13:08:00.000-07:00

In my last blog I pondered the time and emotional energy we invest in our kids.
It started me thinking...

By the time my oldest was 18 she had tried the following life-enriching activities: Gymnastics, ballet, flute, guitar, piano, art, cooking, gardening, bowling, swimming, soccer, tai kwon do, volleyball, computer camp, science camp, and camp-camp. My younger child has a list of approximately the same length, but with surprisingly little overlap. Each of my children have eventually settled on one or two areas on which to concentrate their attentions, but I often wonder who these activities are really enriching! Well, according to the U.S. Dept. of Agriculture* miscellaneous expenses (not including basics like housing, food, doctors and clothing) for a single 13 year old child cost between $1215 and $2579 per year-depending on annual family incomes. My friends with a kid who is actually talented at one of these activities tell me it can cost a lot more. At the highest levels sports participation can cost as much as $15 thousand dollars a year! (Note: This is a rare opportunity for those of us with less talented children to feel smug.)

While it’s not realistic to go back to the 1960s or 70s (is it really as we remember it?) when kids roamed free and wild all day and played pick up games of basketball on the local courts, there are some sound strategies to manage the financial and emotional costs of after school activities. Some thoughts:

Don’t overload

Ask your kids to choose one school activity and one outside activity at most. This can be challenging, because by the age 14 or so, schools and sports organizations expect our kids to specialize, and kids feel they are running out of time. Asking your child to jam his or her schedule might make them a champion at something, or it might make them a burnt out, bored and bummed out participant. Make a sustainable schedule together, keep it, and then wait for your child to ask for more. Or less. After all, we don’t want to cut in on their texting time.

Yes, they are probably texting each other.
Photo: TeensUnderground.com

Require commitments

At first I required a 3 month contract from my kids on every start, but after storing the Tae Kwon Do gear, the guitar and the fencing swords in the back of the closet I asked them to commit to 6 months or even longer (eternity for a ten year old!)

Encourage friendships

It is easier to go to activities with a friend. The occasional pizza or ice cream bribe doesn’t hurt either, and it does make defeat go down a bit easier.

Even Brett Favre needs a little pizza after a tough game.
Photo: YahooSports.com

Control your expectations

What are your goals here? Will you be bitterly disappointed if Johnny or Jennie don’t make the Olympic team or win the state fair’s JR. Quilting Division? Winning might not be the best short-term goal to discuss with your kids, rather talk about personal best and persistence. Oh, and maybe fun too. And that's real enrichment.

*Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion

Miscellaneous Publication Number 1528-2006

Waiting

2010-10-29T10:58:00.000-07:00

As a Mom with a school age child I find that waiting has played a large part in my life, especially during activities and social time. (I might also mention waiting to be appreciated, waiting for good manners to magically appear and waiting to be an empty nester!)

Waiting during activities

If your child starts a sport like gymnastics or swimming, and stays loyal to it for 3 years, you can potentially spend between 450 and 900 hours of your life – up to 110 days--waiting for that child. That’s just one activity! Our family lives a bit out of the way (read “boondocks”) and so it is sometimes a challenge to know what to do with all that time. An informal poll of other loitering parents reveals that watching your child is the top way to pass time , running errands is number two, and sleeping in the car runs a close third. I tried napping once, and dreamt that my car, which coincidentally is somewhat fishbowl shaped, was surrounded by parents watching me snore and drool in the back seat. So, instead of napping, I get lots of oil changes, shop for groceries and yes, write a blog while waiting. I try not to watch my kid practice, fearing that my latent competitive streak will one day suddenly emerge landing me on YouTube, waving my arms wildly at a retreating coach.

LeBron James' Mom protects her child...www.sports.yahoo.com

Social time and social moms and social mores.

With little kids it was an unspoken rule, at least in my paranoid, liberal Jewish mom circle that you would stay for the duration of the play date. During the transition to elementary school there was that awkward time when you didn’t know if you should stay or not. I looked for subtle clues, like the other mom blocking the door, or having her bathrobe on. As the kids got older new worries came into play and I found myself peering around the host’s shoulder to check the living room for empty beer bottles, drug paraphernalia or pedophiles. By the time your kids are teens, you are more worried than relieved when your host reassures you “Don’t worry-no in and out privileges and the TV has parental controls.” Why do they need these measures? Are their kids wandering porn addicts?

OK helicopter moms and dads. The bottom line is that your child will not be a better gymnast, or a faster swimmer if you hover. They will not have more successful social dates. They will not be protected from seeing and maybe experiencing a range different family values. So here are my top 3 guidelines for letting go: diligence, cognizance and prescience.

Diligence: It is ok to help, but not to hover. You want to be at every practice? Be the snack Mom, organize the carpools or help haul the equipment. Get involved.

Cognizance: Know your child, their friends and the other parents who will be in charge. Your child may feign embarrassment when you make that pre-party phone call, but--well OK, they really are embarrassed. Who cares.

Prescience: Become all knowing, all seeing and wise beyond human understanding. OK, I’m still working on this one.

We may be challenged finding productive ways to wait as our kids get older, but it’s nothing compared to what our kids experience while waiting for us to let go and trust them.

Silly Sayings

2010-10-25T14:50:00.000-07:00

I can sense the warmth and feel the love when I hear parents admonishing their children to “sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite.” (Of course, that was before the scary bedbug epidemic, the foul creatures spreading from ratty hotels in New York to flourish in less ratty hotels, then apartments, then movie theaters and airplanes and possibly your children’s beds. Which makes the saying somewhat less adorable. But I digress.)

"Sleep Tight..."

Our families had sayings too, but unlike the aforementioned bedbug alert, they seemed to make no sense at all. For example, my husband’s mother was staunchly opposed to foul language (she could watch a ship full of pirates hack each other into hors D'oeuvres but as soon as they damned someone to hell the TV was turned off.) When she burned herself in the kitchen, stubbed her toe or became displeased with one of her four boys she would proclaim “YOUR FATHER’S MUSTACHE” instead of swearing. Also an oddity, whenever someone in their family uttered “So?” in conversation, their attempt to ask a question was squashed thusly: “Sew buttons on a milk bottle.” Go ahead-use that any time you want to avoid a topic at the dinner table. My husband still doesn’t bother speaking most of the time.

My Mother was an immigrant from Hungary. She would sit with my children and chant this ditty from her own childhood:

“Ver’s your money?

In my pocket

Ver’s your pocket?

In my pants

Ver’s your pants?

I leff dem home

Get out of here you dirty bum!”

This ditty makes me wonder if when in Hungary one should overlook minor cultural differences like no pants or exposing one’s self to children. My Mother also had a habit of combining American colloquialisms. Many times she soothed me by saying that “It is just milk going under da bridges.” Oddly enough it is the saying I disliked the most that I return to again and again as I worry about my daughter living away at college, my younger going to high school and my husband working his own business. “It’s a jungle out der.”

Thinking about these old sayings leads me to ponder some of our own family's responses to our girl's behaviors. In retrospect they seem less whimsical, and well, meaner. The one that was invoked most often is: “Don’t do that at prom,” and it addresses everything from bad table manners to picking wedgies out of butts. I would work on being nicer but, after all “it is a jungle out der.”

My daughter at prom...having avoided bad manners and butt picking as far as I know...

So (buttons on a milk bottle) what sayings have stuck in your family?

Squirrel!

2010-10-22T12:30:00.000-07:00

“Squirrel!” It’s the code my friend invokes when her attention (or mine) wander from the subject at hand. It’s means that, much like a dog scenting a squirrel, we may have missed something. Test yourself. Check how many “ squirrel” moments you have today. Or how many “squirrel” incidents you suspect in the people to whom you’re speaking. (This is also an opportunity to check in with your self and ask the age old question “am I boring?”)

Welcome to the “Sesame Street “generation. Now, I do not denigrate this joyous children’s series with its multi-cultural bag of learning. In fact, I consider it a true trend-setter with its quick vignettes, splashing colors and multiple subjects. I do believe Sesame Street provides an early (1969) example, and maybe takes some responsibility for how the pace of our electronic world has changed. According to a UK research company called YouGov, “the average attention span is now just five minutes and seven seconds, compared to more than 12 minutes a decade ago.” It’s not surprising then, when Wikipedia claims that today’s TV commercial, (around a minute in 1950) lasts 15 seconds as average. In spite of the pace set by media, you can help your child slow down and concentrate.

1)Be realistic.

In a video study by TubeMogul, after 30 seconds a third of video test audiences were lost, and after a minute more than half! So at first, front load important information for your kid, and give them complex information over time. (I’m working on a book called “sound-bite parenting.”) If you see shallow breathing and glazed over eyes, just stop.

2) Limit media time.

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) says children under age two shouldn't spend time watching television or using a computer AT ALL. (They have obviously never babysat.) For those over three years old, the AAP and the U.S. Surgeon General say to limit screen time to two hours daily including TV, computers, hand held video games and even all the cool games you have on your smart phone.

3) Introduce long term projects or goals.

Undertakings that require several sessions and have a distinct and rewarding end point help kids learn to focus and maintain interest over time. Age appropriate puzzles, craft projects that have more than one step and reading chapter books aloud over time can all be engaging and fun ways to work on attention span.

So, slow it down and stretch it out. It may help. If it doesn’t, and you’re worried about your child’s ability to concentrate then take a deep breath and remember that all of our children develop at different rates at different ages. (My 14 year old still does not like to use a fork, does that count?) If you’re still worried check the loose guidelines available through the AAP, or on accessible websites like www.earlyinterventionsupport.com because knowing earlier will help you pay more and better attention to supporting your kid!

Pet Peeves: October

2010-10-21T11:33:00.000-07:00

1. Plastic bubble packs.

I have packing and unpacking peeves at the top of my list this week, after getting my daughter off to college. Opening bubble packs is not only difficult, it requires special tools like scissors, a large, sharp knife or perhaps a jackhammer. This last plastic pack fought back, leaving me with a deep welt across my hand where it bit me, just as I thought I could reach in for the prize—a purple rubberized cell phone cover. Can someone explain why we pack cell phone covers this way, but sell hatchets and chainsaws on easy to reach wall hooks in the garden department?

2. Popcorn.

I don’t mean popcorn you eat, though I certainly have a pet peeve about those little kernels that don’t pop and tempt you to power-crunch through the bottom of the bowl. (American Dental Association conspiracy?) I am referring to the packing popcorn that is added to the top of your box, so that your shipped item only breaks on the bottom. Count on these pre-programmed morsels to spring out of the opened package and roll directly beneath your couch.

3. Urban Dictionary.

I suppose that it is a result of sending a child off to college, or maybe it is the result of reading her posts on Facebook, but changes in language seem to define generations, and therefore highlight my own rapidly advancing age. Terms like brand new, catch my fade, thug and HPOA (Hot Piece of Ass) leave me feeling a bit dusty. Don’t get me wrong, I love the Urban Dictionary. I just don’t love that I can’t use any of the terms in the Urban Dictionary without sounding like an idiot.

4. Groceries.

If the Urban Dictionary defines the cerebral, social side of aging, then my grocery store experiences define the physical signs of my deteriorating body. It wasn’t long ago that young baggers would watch unconcerned as I struggled to load 60 pound bags of dog food into my trunk. Now, as I come through the checkout the young bagger looks at the boxes vegetable broth and then back to me again. “Can I help you with your bags today Ma’am?” “Are you sure?” “Really ma’am, it’s no problem.” Back off Sonny, I was going to the gym before you were born.

5. Shopping in JR. stores.

As long as we are on the subject of humiliating shopping experiences, I must address the sudden growth of “JR Stores.” These are smallish spaces, filled with loud music, size 0 clerks and lots and lots of manic teens. There are only 2 reasons for a person like me to be in a Jr. store. The first one involves being a human wallet for my girls. This reason is acceptable to all parties. The other reason involves overage, overconfident women who are desperately or obliviously shopping for stylish clothing in all the wrong places. There are two terrible moments in any of these stores. The first one is when you are separated from your daughters or sons and the clerks are studying you to assess for which reason you are there. The second is when you actually see something really cute and wonder if it comes in a super grande size before you come to your senses. I mean, please people, understand. I experienced my youthful fashion years in the 70s and 80s, the era of seriously ugly clothes. I feel cheated!

Feeling cross? Tell me I’m not alone.

Home Groan: Let it out

2010-10-17T15:41:00.000-07:00

As the title of this first blog implies, there may be some complaining ahead. But I’m also hoping that there will be some commiserating, some comic relief (even if it means you laughing at me) and some support for all of us who are holding down the home front. This blog may not be for those of you who, in the words of my wonderful sister-in-law are “in the first flush of parenthood.” Instead, it may make more sense to those of us who have dug under the poopy diapers, mismatched socks and broken toys to find our long lost sense of humor.

Those of us who stay at home can feel isolated, and this is an opportunity to share some of our frustrations and fulfillments, some trials and some tips. I’ll go first!

Isolation. Do you talk to your animals or other unlikely companions? Dogs, cats, fish, Oprah—it doesn’t matter. If you are currently conversing with any species other than human, or chatting it up with a favorite television icon it is time to join a book club, learn salsa or undertake some other pursuit that exposes you to real live people. Note: If you are receiving a reply from your animals or any TV personality, skip this blog and go directly to your medication.

Frustration. I may have a BA in Advertising and Marketing, and a Master's degree in Communication but now, after several years at home, I also have that dread disease: “old thinking.” And now that my children are mostly raised, my child-rearing skills are also out-of-date! In fact, companies are more likely to look to Facebook strangers for marketing ideas (GAP did!) and Dora for parenting tips. I have begun to think of myself as a human garage sale (or at my age, maybe an estate sale) on a quiet street--people keep driving by my treasures!

Fulfillment. Ah, the moments that keep us from sticking our head in the (dirty) oven. The volunteer work, the perfect dinner, the accomplishments of our children (go ahead, take credit—after all they will blame you for all the bad stuff!)

I find myself wondering: Does anyone else feel isolated? Do you have some frustrations? What’s happened to you as a positive result of your decision to stay home? Oh, you say you didn’t stay home? What do you think of us then?